That Time I Thought Crows Were Plotting to Get Me

It had been a long day at work. You know the kind where you’re sure it’s already 4:30 pm and ready to tie up loose ends. You minimize your screens to see it has only really been 30 minutes since the last time you’ve looked – still 11:45 am. What kind of sorcerer is playing these mind games?

The corner of the monitor finally read 5:03 pm, and it was time for some much-needed meditation and vinyasa. Obviously, I’m kidding. I went to the mall to look at things I couldn’t afford and spend money I didn’t have.

Upon leaving Sephora and heading outside to my car, I reached for my phone to call my mom and let her know I was on my way for dinner:

“Hey, yeah I’m just leaving. Did you need me to—” I was cut off in the middle of my sentence by talons trying to grip my head and wings flapping on either side. “OH MY GOD! GET OFF OF ME!!” I yelled and waved my hands around with my mom still on the line. I turned around and looked up to see a crow landing back on his light post, almost daring me to break eye contact.

As I called multiple people to explain this ominous and frightening attack, I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person to the fine diners eating outside at The Cheesecake Factory who thought they would have a relaxing meal on the patio. Well, sorry! Today isn’t about you.

Maybe it was an overreaction, but all I could think about was the one article extensive research I read about crows recognizing and targeting human faces. One friend tried to tell me crows are actually good luck omens in some Native American tribes, however, almost every site I found referred to them as “messengers of death” or “general fun killers.”

While the aerial ambush was a fun story to tell for a few weeks, I conceded it wasn’t anything more than the bird thinking my blond hair looked like good straw to build his nest. On a related note, I am currently accepting recommendations for better conditioners.

A couple months later, my mom tells me a crow was looking at her through the skylight in her bathroom. Below is the video she took of the crow trying to break the window in order to profess his love for her and/or let her know of grave misfortune her daughter will face if she does not comply with the Crow Mafia’s uncertain demands.

Do with this information what you will. I’ll be building my scarecrow army well before Halloween this year.